Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
