btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize