he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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