You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
