Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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