you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
