Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
