i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
