i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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