i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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