I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
