Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
