he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
