Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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