Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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