Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
why do cheetos always look like penises
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize