cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
