New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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