omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
