How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
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