Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
