this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
