Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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