She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
