I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
