Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
