so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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