I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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