dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I deserve to be covered in dicks
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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