you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We need to rekindle our bromance
can u get pink eye on your cock?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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