Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
