just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
ugly people sure do ruin things
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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