Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
And the cops told us we were all naked.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
