Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
