Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
