Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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