she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
