wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
