PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
