I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
