There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
