Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
