dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
