be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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