So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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