I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
