maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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