I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
