i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm passing your future prison.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize