Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
