I seem to have left my pride at pride
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize