thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
