Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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