I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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