When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
