She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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