that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
