So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
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I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
