Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
