First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
