Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
