he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Randomize
