I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
